Future; (n) big, scary mess of possibilities.

I have to start this off with a big huge HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my mommy, the most important woman in my life. No matter what happens she'll be the one I can always turn to and I couldn't ask for anyone better. (That would be like having gold and trying to ask for something better.) I love her with all my heart and can't even put into words how much she means to me after all the great ups, the bumpy downs, and then just the amazing days with her. She's molded me into who I am today and I can't do anything but praise her; she's my real life fairy godmother, except with no evil stepmother or stepsisters required. I thank God that I was chosen to be given to her. :)

The lovely lady is the reason I have so many options for my future; which right now I can consider a good and a bad thing. But again, I love you Madre and can't wait for what will be even better years. :)

I am so confused about the future right now. I've always had different ideas of what I want to be (architect, neurosurgeon, pediatrician, lawyer, fashion designer, burlesque dancer, photographer, etc), but always thought that those were just fancies and no matter what I'd become a neurosurgeon because that's my dream. But now I'm confused and scared to jump into the planned college course because I'm not sure if it will be right for me, and who wants to put work into nothing?

The main problem is is that each dream is so on the opposite side of the spectrum of the others that I can't even try to learn towards just one major or study and then choose. Becoming a neurosurgeon would be amazing; I'd be helping people and operating on the impossible every day. But what about other factors of life? What if I end up deciding I want family and to actually spend time with them? Then I'd be, to put it bluntly, in a heck of a twist.

All I know is that I want to do something different - which might be my problem right there. I live for the shock factor, love to say and do things just to see the reactions. Maybe I need to stop considering the reactions of other people and figure out something that will shock myself? But in a good way; a sort of shock that makes me realize I am doing something I love. Because my biggest fear is that I'll choose one of these careers and then wake up one day and realize I don't love it at all and have to start all over again. I want to do it right the first time, not have to be redoing everything my entire life.

Growing up isn't very fun. I mean sure, I get a license, some more freedom as I age and get to branch off - but that's also the scary part because responsibilities come with these freedoms and so do big consequences if I mess any of it up.

I wish perfection did exist.